Celebrity Zombie Apocalypse Squad

This is me exercising my creative juices. Juices -- that word is just SO awkwardly creepy sometimes. That and moist. Moist juices. Ew. Anyway, I digress...

Originally I thought of listing people in general that I'd wanna have on my Zombie Apocalypse team, as in people I know, but then I realized you wouldn't really give a f**k about people that I know that you don't. So I decided to bump it up to celeb status -- what celebrities would I want on my side if the undead were running the world? Let's go.

My buddy Mike (he's on the left). (How is he a celebrity, you ask? You know him as Moose At The Movies on my Saturday Night Mixshow on KISS 95.7 in Hartford). So first off, he's one of my few best friends, and you always need your best friend by your side when the world ends. Secondly, he can shoot. Really well. And lastly, he's in nursing school, so when I inevitably f**k up and shoot myself in the schlong, I'll need someone I know has experience in the medical field AND that I trust to fix me before I'm John Bobbitt Jr. (This just got a little awkwardly homoerotic. I'm gonna move on now.)

Oh, and I'd bring that CM Punk guy too. Mainly since he's the Best In The World and also because he could just punch a zombie's brains right out. Don't believe me? Just fast forward to 39 seconds in.

Jackson Blue. You hear him on KISS 108 every night. And on RadioNOW in Milwaukee. And everyone else across the country with the Party Playhouse. He's also one of my best friends. I figure when you're in a high-tense situation like the end of the world and the undead are trying to eat you, you need someone you can joke around with to escape from real life for a bit. Plus we could just tattoo a running tally into each others' arms of how many zombies we kill just to see who's more badass. AND he's a former MWF World Tag Team Champion, so you know he's tough.

Gina Carano. First off, hi, she's f**king hot. AND she'd be my koolaid in the Zombie Apocalyptic world. In all seriousness, she's a certified badass and highly respected MMA fighter. You also might know her as "Crush" from the newest version of American Gladiators. And have I mentioned she's scolding f**king hot? Plus we'd make adorable kids during the post-Apocalyptic world.

Jason Statham. You know -- the guy from The Transporter movies and The Expendables movies? And Crank? (Seriously, anyone who gets to have sex with Amy Smart in the middle of a crowded street deserves to be on this squad.) Plus the dude is a certifiable badass -- have you SEEN how ripped he is?

Teresa Giudice. HAVE YOU SEEN REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY? I have, and I have no shame in saying it. She's bat s**t crazy, which means she could probably flip a dinner table onto a zombie and decapitate it. Plus, watching her flip out on the last person on this last will make entertainment for days (but probably also draw all the zombies to us since she wouldn't know how to shut the hell up.) But on the plus side? She's Italian and can cook her face off.

Shaobo Qin. You probably have no idea who he is by name (let alone how the hell to say it), but if I tell you he's the little Asian dude from Ocean's Eleven (and Twelve, and Thirteen), then it'll ring a bell. The way I figure, someone who knows some form of Martial Arts would be badass, not to mention we'll need someone small and flexible to get in tight-squeezing places that the rest of us can't get to. Plus, someone who can roll up sushi is super badass.

And finally...

Chris Brown. For no other reason than it'll be awesome to watch zombies feast on his douchebag carcass, and then when he comes back as a zombie, be able to repeatedly beat him about the face with a blunt metal object. (Hey, every group needs a douchebag sacrificial lamb. Don't let the door to Hell hit you in the ass on your way down, d**kbag.)