Thursday, September 20, 2012

Challenge of Affection

Originally I was gonna throw up a total wrestling geek post (kinda about Night of Champions the other day, kind of about how I'd rather stick my manparts in a blender than watch 3 consecutive hours of RAW), but there's plenty of time to get to that another day. I ended up in a convo with one of my darling friends...we'll call her Veronica, about winning the affection of a dude.

That she works with.

Yes friends, my friend Veronica is pretty, but apparently also likes to move her bowels where she eats. (Apparently, girls poop too.)

Long story short, she starts talking to a guy -- I shall name him Douche K. Nuckle. Well, Mr. Nuckle starts giving signs that he's interested in her, wants to hang out, the usual "Hey, I like you, you're cute and once we build a good friendship and then a relationship, I'd like to see your boobies and how you landscape your Mommy hole" path. Well, around the same time, doesn't Douche end up playing the SAME game with another girl -- who he works with.

Yup. This dude is trying to channel his inner Trey from the Real World: St. Thomas season that just ended (yes I just watched it, yes I'm a 29 year old man, yes I like women...judge me and I'll punt your testicles through a set of uprights with a pair of steel-toed boots) and get super douchetastic and play 2 girls...WHO HAPPEN TO WORK WITH EACH OTHER. Smooth move, Exlax...NAHT. Here's the thing though -- Veronica is a smart girl. She KNOWS he's being a douche, but she can't seem to shake it. She even said (and I quote) -- "I just feel like I can make him like me more."

Emo guys always ask why good girls only want douchebags? Simple -- the challenge. They get off on the challenge of trying to tame a douchebag into a good guy. Ladies, that's why you're miserable...you can't tame someone who's not ready to stop being a douchebag yet. And sidenote...emo guys, that's why you're single -- because you post statuses on Facebook that 14-year-old girls also post. #letyourballsdrop

So basically, I've come up with a formula. Ladies, once you're done slummin around and stretching out your mamabits so that it doesn't hurt so much when you have babies, I've come up with a list of 4 ingredients for Mr. Right. To start, he needs 1 part hopeless romantic...where he'll do sweet stuff for you but not overkill. To counteract that, he needs 1 part a**hole, where he calls you out on your crap when you're being a bitch. Add 1 part goofball where he jokes around with you like he's your best friend, blend that all together 1 part of awesome sexual chemistry, and I give you -- Mr. Right.

I say it's a pretty good balance, right? If he's too romantic, you get creeped out. If he's too much of an a**hole, well I mean...who wants to be with an a**hole? If he jokes around too much, you put him in the friendzone. And if he's too into sex, well...I'd imagine that's a lot of chafing...ouch. With that lovely mental image...I'm out. You're welcome.

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